we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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