I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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