If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
