Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just pee around me
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
