My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
