So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
