Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize