He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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