I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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