At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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