For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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