we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
