Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
