mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
