It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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