you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Sext me about skeletons
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize