That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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