Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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