If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
