every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
