I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
