You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
