How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
