his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
