my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
