forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
