I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize