i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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