I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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