I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
