i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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