Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
