Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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