i was born a porn star she said
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
my poor anus
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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