So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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