He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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