cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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