woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Come on in and take your pants off
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