I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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