There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I want to be your penis for a week.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize