just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
