Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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