i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
