She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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