I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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