Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize