haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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