so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
