my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
