Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
