I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
