I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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