The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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