i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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