I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
