I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
