Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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