My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
