dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
