we're chasing vodka with high fives
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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