Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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