your parents love me but you hate me
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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