I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
